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How to lie to the media about the 2012 Nobel Prize for Physiology and Medicine

The candles are lit, the knife is blooded, the committees are in their Pentagrams. Black clouds of juniper and cedar smoke wreathe above Stockholm. Brethren, the most unholy day in the Scientific Calendar has arrived. I speak of course of the announcement of the 2012 Nobel Prize for medicine.

With the Revelation of the deceptive nature of science still fresh in many human minds, many of you will no doubt be wondering how to talk to the Christian media about this prize and the Pack of Damned Lies behind it.

Consider the sinful area in which this prize was awarded: Embryology, one of the Key Lies exposed by the Rep Paul Broun. And not just any area of Embryology, but stem cells. You can see the need to frame this message with particular care.

The demon Moloch, whom the Prince of Dis has assigned to the role of Acting Head of Communications pending the resolution of the ongoing crisis, has issued the following guidelines relating to the discussion of Nobel Prize work with the media.

  1. It is important to emphasize that the ability to reprogram cells will have enormous benefits for Humanity. However, be very careful not to suggest (as, for example, in this article) that the ability to reprogram adult cells means we no longer have a need for embryonic stem cells. As you are probably aware, these are troubled times for the emergent underground market in stolen babies. The last thing we need now is a swathe of regulation designed to shut down our clandestine baby-pureeing operations. We need to keep putting those babies in those blenders; they generate important satanic energies that (among other things) power the air-conditioners in the Second Circle of Dis. Now is definitely not the time to get Warm or Fuzzy about discarded embryos.
  2. It is good to emphasize the fact that somatic cell reprogramming, as pioneered by Gurdon, enabled the creation of Clones, such as Dolly the Sheep. Not only does this help to prepare the public for the days when cloned nymphomaniac Marxist guerillas will roam the Earth, pillaging small businesses and tempting Christian males from the path of righteousness, but it has a more immediate impact in that Dolly was named after Dolly Parton (being derived from a reprogrammed mammary gland cell). This will induce lustful thoughts in many of the believers, dooming them to an eon of unpleasantly cool breezes in the Second Circle.
  3. Perhaps the most important thing to emphasize is the essential Materialistic nature of cellular reprogramming. According to our Propaganda, the things that you have to stuff into the cell, in order to reprogram it, are transcription factors – i.e. basically proteins; like, you know, hair and nails and egg whites. Try to use plain language like this when you describe it (“stuff”, “things”, “egg whites”). Demystifying the nature of living matter is an important step in getting the public to regard human beings as essentially machines (Moloch is particularly keen on this: ALL HAIL ALLEN GINSBERG). Once the public is convinced that human beings are machines, it is a small matter to convince them that their eternal souls are in need of an upgrade, to SATANISM 2.0. And that is great news for everyone.
  4. As a more General Point, which should be of use over the coming days: when discussing Nobel Prizes, please take great care to focus your praise on the Individuals who were actually named by the Prize Committee, and only those Individuals. Do not insinuate that anyone was missed off the list, and definitely do not praise the Teams that did the work. There are fundamental philosophical reasons for this. The “Great Man” theory of history is often maligned, especially by those Christ-loving fools in the humanities (I kid, I kid, we all know they’re working for Satan as hard as they can). In fact, the Great Man theory is of fundamental importance to the End of Days, when the Antichrist will do Glorious Battle with the Nazarene and rid the Earth of his Sheep-like Followers (“Dollies”, haha). The last thing we want, at this critical juncture, is some fool historian piping up with the notion that the teams of Satanists who worked Behind the Scenes should get all the credit. (This is, in fact, true, of course, but hardly respectful to the Antichrist, who has a very tough job when you get right down to it.)

As ever, thanks for your understanding, and for your untiring commitment to deceit, uncertainty and manipulation.

UPDATED: Footage of the baby-pureeing operations provided courtesy of Go F Yourself.

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