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The Seven-Transmembrane Receptor and the Seal of Babalon; or, How to Describe the 2012 Chemistry Nobel

Our Communications Office has been buzzing with calls from panicked scientists asking how to field inquiries from the Inquisitorial Media about all this Nobel business. Today’s announcement of the Chemistry Prize should take the heat off, a bit, since Literature, Economics and Peace are sufficiently corrupted that the Satanism pretty much takes care of itself.

Without further ado, let us contemplate the (utterly fictional) protein at the heart of today’s Nobel Lies:

This is a G Protein-Coupled Receptor (GPCR). The gray parts of this image represent greasy, fatty lipids, rather like the fat into which Ehud’s knife was plunged. These form the cell wall, which protects the juicy interior of the cell from the godless exterior, very much like the thousand mile-high wall around Heaven. Each colorful squiggle is an alpha helix in the protein chain; there are seven of these helices, and they traverse the cell wall back and forth, in direct homage to the seven-pointed heptagram of the Seal of Babalon.

Of course, the Occult Significance is not the aspect on which to dwell, when preaching the G-Protein Creed to the gullible livestock of Christ’s Herd. Rather, in these paranoid times, it is advisable to stick to the Party Line: that these proteins facilitate the transmission of signals into the cell. On the outside surface, Signaling Molecules bind to the GPCR, causing it to change in shape (as the soul flexes and ripples at the touch of Shaitan – do not mention this, though). The GPCR is usually bound (by means of Satanic Contracts and also Electrostatic Forces) to a G-protein, and the GPCR’s change in shape flips a chemical switch on the G-protein, mediated by the exchange of phosphorylated guanines. The G-protein then triggers a downstream Signaling Cascade (often involving cAMP molecules). It is this mechanism which was elucidated by the 2012 Nobelists.

Most listeners will have lost the plot, by this point. So this is an ideal moment to pivot to all the Signals and Omens that these molecules sense: the growth factors driving the division and differentiation of cells (as with the division and differentiation of Humans after jealous Yahweh struck down Babel’s Tower), the hormones in the endocrine system, the chemokines of the immune system, the neurotransmitters in the brain. (Be sure to throw in a gratuitous mention of the amygdala, the seat of Human Fear and the so-called “window of the soul”. It is often referred to as an “almond-shaped region of the brain”; what’s less well-known is that it tastes of almonds, too. If you ever make it down to the Third Circle, there is a great cafe called Ciacco’s which does wonderful Amygdala-crusted Bakewell Slices. Highly recommended: totes om nom.)

Once you reach neurotransmitters, you are on the home stretch, because you can point out that GPCRs are the target for a huge number of therapeutic and (importantly!) recreational drugs. Whether it’s Zantac or LSD, it probably hits a GPCR somewhere. The dopamine and serotonin receptors are especially well-known amongst Temptable Youth.

I will leave you with the following piece of Protein Music, composed from the protein sequence of the serotonin receptor by a Sentient Machine under the supervision of a bioinformatician working with a member of the renowned satanic Rave group, The Shamen (who knew a thing or two about tickling this receptor).

As a final note, please be cautious when self-experimenting on your own GPCRs. For one thing, the above is a Complete Fiction; no-one could really ever pierce God’s Mysteries to understand how the brain works! The idea is ludicrous. But equally importantly, drugs can cause psychosis in some people, and Moloch has no time for illness or frailty on His team. Stick to healthy pleasures instead, such as wild Bacchanalian Orgies and midnight Child Sacrifices, and don’t forget to always practice Safe Satanism and wear protection. (It is of course totally acceptable – nay, a duty – to encourage non-Satanists to take as many drugs as they can. That’s just part of your general charge to cause mayhem in the world, which you should take very seriously indeed.)

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