Today’s internet-driven world propels information—especially the negative or controversial—at near instantaneous speeds 24/7/365. A dark website can be one of the critical tools in your toolbox that enables you to manage a crisis successfully.
What is this site?
This site is a Public Relations dark site prepared on behalf of the ancient international Scientific Conspiracy against Christ’s Salvation (US chapter) which merged in 2013 with the Consolidated Union of Evil and Agnostic Scientists in Alternative and Unaffiliated Hells [tm]. Please pardon our dust during this site’s redesign as we humble webmonkeys attempt to interpret the rather difficult charge of appearing both Satanic and religiously unaffiliated at the same time </SARCASM> DELETE FROM FINAL VERSION
What happens here?
Generally speaking, we defend Science against the forces of Good. Evil scientists often visit for general networking, and high-quality coverage of evil sci-tech news.
Why does this site even exist?
On September 27, 2012, lay preacher and House Representative Paul Broun (R-GA 10th District) revealed the truth: that Science is a fabrication from start to finish. A malevolent fiction, designed to rob people of their holy hope, and replace it with Despair:
This was the first such Revelation to achieve widespread penetrance and mindshare amongst the general public, despite previous near-misses (Sarah Palin, Todd Akin, the Intelligent Design movement). It has caused significant framing problems, tilting the media landscape against us.
Fortunately – all is not lost! This crisis dark site was prepared some centuries ago, by foresighted and black-hearted satanists who had the fiendish courage to imagine the worst of days, when the scope of our ambition might be aired in the public eye. THAT DAY HAS NOW ARRIVED.
Who is this site for?
This site is for liberated brothers and sisters of the cause, be they Satanists, Mussulmen, Jews, Taoists, Buddhists, Sikhs, Jainists, Hindoos, Marxists, Sodomites, Sapphics, various flavors of bicurious and/or polyamorous, Occupiers, mid-level Monsanto employees, or any of our other Comrades in the long Scientific struggle against the truth of Christ’s salvation.
We do not help Gnostics or Wiccans. Take a bath, hippie
What should I say to the media?
During this crisis period, it is crucial that you spout forth only lies approved by the Prince of Dis himself. Confused messaging at this time could lead to a public perception of dissent in science’s ranks. Needless to say, this would be a disaster. At this time, we must speak (or preferably chant) in unison.
For this brief moment in time, science is revealed in the media as the master horror. But now is not the time for retreat! The media’s attention span is short. With artful use of distraction, we can hide our plans, and proceed afresh with the infernal Lie of the Ant Genome Project. ALL HAIL THE DARK LORD.
What is a dark site?
When bad news or an emergency suddenly strikes an organization, its website is ordinarily the first place the outside world turns to for information. Given the extreme time pressure inherent in crisis management today, there is just no time to construct a new “crisis site” from scratch. Instead, a prebuilt dark site can be quickly “turned on” as needed during a crisis management situation.
When do you use a dark site?
Your company or organization can send the wrong message if you adopt a ‘business as usual’ mindset and continue using your website for regular business while you’re in the middle of a crisis. A dark site can be utilized in one of three ways: (1) the “everyday” website is completely removed and replaced with the dark site (2) a link to the dark site is prominently displayed on the home page or (3) a separate URL is created based on the most likely/obvious search terms.
Why use a dark site?
A dark site serves a number of key strategic purposes. Most important, it positions the organization to be the primary source of crisis information. This helps suppress and control dangerous rumors and speculation. Similarly, it signals the news media that you intend to provide timely, accurate information, thus encouraging them to make you their first source in more balanced coverage. Your transparent behavior demonstrates that you are “in control” and take your responsibilities seriously. Concerned members of the public judge your behavior in this way. When your own website becomes a source of credible information, it translates directly into trust. Not communicating is seen as “hiding,” which frequently causes crises to assume deadly new dynamics when they expand into the online universe.
What’s the worst that could happen?
As you probably know, Science as a philosophical modality has largely been driven underground as a result of Broun’s explosive comments. Many of our finest Propaganda Mills have collapsed, and our top Liars are under increasing pressure to accept the christian Word. There is a real risk that industrial America may abandon its brief flirtation with our cleverly-insinuated dogmas, and upgrade to a simpler version of Technology: one based directly on the theorems and physical laws of the Bible. All our hard-won influence would be for naught. Christ’s Salvation would, essentially, proceed apace.
Is all then lost?
No, our defeat at the hands of Christ’s forces is by no means inevitable. By following the guidelines on this site, you can help avert the aversion of the Apocalypse.
How do I access the restricted areas of this site?
The password you received by telekinetic gouging on your forearm (Hail Satan), or by text message if your telekinetic nanobots are on the blink, should grant you – and ONLY you – access to this portal. Here, instructions on messaging and framing from Our Lord of Hell will be passed direct to you, ensuring that we manage this temporary crisis and return the public to a state of uncomprehending nihilism.
Where is the public area of this dark site?
We are working on the Actual Dark Crisis Dark Actual Site (v2.0), as you read these very words. In the meantime, we will use this highly-secret blog for internal control of the PR message.
Scientists have not, in the past, been known for their PR skills. However we are hoping to change this.
Hopefully, our operational security will hold and we can maintain this site in secret until NIH budgets are restored to their Former Glory and we can hire some real PR Demons.